This is self indulgent.
There are far more people facing far worse things than bruised egos and fear of failure, so don’t read on if that will irk you. There are far more important things than this – the many forgotten and in dire poverty, the uncared for old, the cruelly treated young, famine, an opposition party that has forgotten how to oppose, and easily cured diseases that kill. The list goes on. But I am a performer, so selfishly, childishly, and stupidly, it is all about me and my pathetic needs and frustrations.
This was hammered out on a bench on Newcastle station. Fast typing, no grammar, logic, or spelling checks. Just a thought typed.
This has been written as a valve, just to calm me down. It is something overheard… but in the age of social media, I attempt to force it onto a possible audience
I work pretty hard by the stand up standard. Not necessarily very successfully, but I take a lot on, I try to experiment, and I try to make new things. I don’t always “fail better”, sometimes I fail worse.
As I ran over the bridge at Newcastle to get the train that I had been misdirected to, only to see it move away as I ran back over the bridge, listening to the sound of things falling out of my rucksack, talking to myself desperately, and wondering what sort of pathetic spectacle I was making to passers-by, I knew I was close to the end of my tether. In the car with Grace, trapped in ridiculous diversions that turned a 20 minute journey into an hour, with me cursing and punching my leg repeatedly as I knew the rail company would gleefully charge me a fortune for a ticket as I would have missed my designated train, I saw a bellowing glimpse of my crumbling.
The salt and vinegar for the wound was the very low turnout in Alnwick, I had gone from making nothing on the gig, to losing £150 to spend two days traveling to then “show off” in a near empty auditorium, a figure caught between Archie Rice and Willy Loman.
Lying awake in budget hotels, looking at the ceiling and listening to the loud mechanism of the dawn.
The idealistic 20 something human I once was looks rather silly now.
The imagined success, a ludicrous dream.
Just 6 days ago, I was storming TEDx Salford.
A mere 5 days ago was a lovely recording of The Infinite Monkey Cage.
But 5 days is a long time in ego management.
Thought I reference how niche I can be on stage sometimes, it seems I am nichier, entertaining to a dwindling number of people when no longer in larger conurbations.
A Merrick like specimen to be peered at and, sometimes, laughed with, playing the market towns and borderlands.
Spreading myself thinly across radio dcoumentaries, horror anthologies and shows about sanity that seem to be pushing me further away from it, I seek as many platforms as possible to fail on, then check twitter to ensure someone hasn’t liked it.
I don’t take failure well. You would think by now that I would have got used to it.
At the beginning of the year, I was involved in the start of three new monthly club nights, in Northampton, Brighton and London, all have stumbled, most are buried. I was excited by the new Art night, but I am one of the few it seems. A magnificent seven tickets have been sold for the latest night with Alexei Sayle, Joanna Neary, Sara Pascoe, Neil Edmond, Charlotte Young, and many more. (Alexei isn’t on this listing, but he is on. I am really confused as to why no one is buying tickets for this. £7 too much?)
I may stop trying. I will lower my expectations yet again.
Fail, fail again, fail.
(I often love comedy too, this is just written during a mental lull, here is happy me https://robinince.wordpress.com/2014/08/13/i-love-stand-up-comedy-even-when-i-hate-it-the-disease-of-comedy/ )
I continue to stumble and mumble across the UK, from Goole to Bridgwater, Henley to Manchester, Newcastle to Belfast, come see the cracks widen http://www.robinince.com
next tour show is in Bristol – http://www.thecomedybox.co.uk/site/index.asp
and doing a talk in Worthing http://worthing.skepticsinthepub.org/Event.aspx/2264/Anniversary-Celebration