more celery on the road

8.10 am woke up in my pink and L shaped room. I had neither died nor written any unfinished poetry in my sleep. I watched the end of The Dancer Upstairs. This was meant to be part of my Chapter One project, but I watched it all. I liked it a great deal, but it will join the pile of possessions that will be donated to the audience of my show on 19th October in London.

8.40am decided not have a shower (the shower like the toilet is in the room). The button that starts the water fell off when I touched it and I remembered a film where someone was electrocuted in the shower. I wonder if the button was broken by whatever lies behind the bolted door. Perhaps it is a monster that despises cleanliness due to its own inescapable stink. More likely it is an immersion heater.

9.30am Taxi to Leuchars. The driver and I discussed Qatar. I think we both had enough to say on it to last the journey but the conversation would have run dry if I had decided to go to Dundee.

10.12am impressed by bridge to Dundee.

12pm arrive at Aberdeen, It is raining again. Marvel again at how the great big shopping centre can contain nothing of any interest to me. Charity shops are rarely in new shopping centres (pity)

12.43pm go to Aberdeen shopping centres I missed out. Buy the Robert Altman boxed set for £6.99 from the Oxfam. Like pretty much all boxed sets it has two films you want and filler that would never sell on its own. OC and Stiggs is possibly Altman’s most out of character film, but I like it as Ben Moor does good impressions of the characters in it.

1.30pm more celery, a tortilla and an iced bun. I watch The Long Goodbye. I have forgotten how good it is. Betrayal, brief but hideous violence and an obstreperous cat; like a Kinder Egg that contains a Disney film, a Peckinpah film and some John Huston.

2.13pm Knowing have to take a bus to get to Banchory puts me in a mood. Flt between feeling like Barton Fink and Archie Rice – perhaps if Melvyn Hayes played Barton Fink in Summer Holiday.

4.23pm Bus to Banchory. Three teenage boys full of puberty show off to each other. One is better at showing off than the others and they seem to like and respect that. Because I am trapped on a bus for at least an hour I spend most of the journey thinking I need a wee.

5.30pm arrive at Banchory. A big new church is being built, I take that as a warning sign.

8 – 10pm do a show with slimmed down laughs. Many books are read but the reaction seems to be, “what’s wrong with that” (8.55pm kick a chair when I walk off stage and say “oh for fuck’s sake”)

10.20pm a kind man called Victor gives me a lift back to Aberdeen. We talk of the Library of Alexandria and The Penny Dreadfuls.

11pm watch Palookaville and finish Tortilla that I left by open bathroom window for refrigeration purposes.

1am sleep (do not dream of Richard Madeley telling me he is self publishing his novel this time , that was Wednesday I think)

written sitting on platform 4 of Reading station leaning against a metal pole.

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4 Responses to more celery on the road

  1. kateweb says:

    I feel slightly guilty that I’m really enjoy the write-ups of you having a sporadically miserable time. Glad there are iced buns and good films along the way.

  2. brucehood says:

    Having grown up in Dundee, I assure that it always looks better from Fife and especially from the bridge. Looking forward to more Schadenfreude following your travels.

  3. Ken Donner says:

    Ah. The poetry in the sleep curse. I’m not the only sufferer.

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