the toilet screams of the lock confused

Still some number-crunching to do, but statistics for how many people on the Edinburgh to Aberdeen train route don’t know how a train toilet works will be with us soon.


9am wake up in Stand Flat – unlock bedroom door and discover world has not been overtaken by plague victims wishing to crush technology and wear cowls.

10.27am board lovely train to Aberdeen. Seat comfortable and space to spread out.

10.35am “we seem to be having a problem with the door lock mechanism”

10.36 – 10.45am the sound of locks opening and closing

10.46am “sorry and all that. The train is bust. You can get off now”

11.30am very full train. One seat right next to the toilet. Well at least it is a seat.

11.41am “oi! How did you do that” Kerfuffle . man is on toilet, door is open, woman is apologizing even though it’s his fault for not working out that you need to press lock to lock it. A very long 30 seconds as everyone on carriage waits for the door to close. Air suggests he is doing a big poo.

11.57am “oh I’m sorry” “CLOSE THE DOOR!” “it won’t close”

12.32pm “arghhhh!” “oops” some giggling from man who has been watching the toilet shenanigans for some time now.

1.14pm take whatever you want from above dialogue, jumble it around and you’ll have roughly what happened.

1.47pm My face is creased with frustration and disappointment as I get off at Aberdeen. Since I have last been here a huge shopping centre has been put up next t the station. It is a gallery of things no one needs or wants. Sadly, some people think they do need it.

2.30pm do some tax things, man this is living.

4pm Charity shops plus buy some cheese. Nearly buy Robert Altman boxed set, fear films may be too cheery.

4.13pm sit in hotel room feeling a little like Willy Loman, though Willy Loman never at oatcakes and Blue Shropshire in Athur Miller’s mind as far as I know.

Read The Age of Missing Information by Bill McKibben.

6.10pm got to Waterstones. Manageress warns me rain will mean quite a few people who have tickets will not turn up.

7.05pm She is right.

7.06pm – 8.15pm read books, people listen, sign some. Kirsten (who persuaded me to come to Aberdeen gives me two badges – one with a Carl Sagan quote, one with a Feynman quote. Badges help make a trip worthwhile)

9.27pm sit in hotel bistro and eat food (including trifle) and attempt to read Bill McKibben. Very noisy Americans are hollering and chanting “USA! USA!”. I audibly say “for heaven’s sake shut the fuck up”, except it is far from audible as they are very loud.

11.56pm write yesterday’s blog

NEXT GIGS – 30/9 St Andrews Byre Theatre 1/9 Banchory Wood End Barn 2/9 Warwick Book Festival 3/9 Henley Book Festival (12.30pm)

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3 Responses to the toilet screams of the lock confused

  1. Andrew says:

    To be fair, I’ve never understood why the close button inside the cubicle doesn’t also lock the door. Seems like the train companies are just setting people up for a fall.

  2. ross says:

    Your toilet caper would never have arisen if they dispensed with toilets on trains altogether. Toilets are for weaklings.

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